Emptiness… silence… everything around me in slow motion
Life feels like it’s on pause, people hiding like polar bears in hibernation, or that squirrel that sleeps underground for eight months during the winter. People are hiding, the entire humanity is in hibernation.
It’s Christmas time but where is the Christmas spirit, where are the lights of life and the sound of the living.
I walk into the airport like a toddler still learning to walk, super excited but everything feels foreign. “Do you have Kuwait musafer?” was the first thing I heard from a super friendly airport employee.
And my journey back home starts.
I subscribed to this travel website, got my barcode scanned and went to the Royal Jordanian Check in counter. WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL THE PEOPLE!
A part of me is excited, because hey who likes a long line right? But a part feels sad, feels lonely. A part of me misses life and the living.
I walk ahead go to the passport check and there again I have a very nice encounter with the woman behind the counter getting my passport stamped. She looks at me and says: “we have the same birthday; I am also on March 6th”. I look back at her and say: “happy birthday to the both of us then” and we laugh. Although it’s the 15th of December but still, kindness goes a long way… always!
Walking away from the counter it hits me how warm human connection is and how loving are humans when they show up as humans, when they see each other as humans.
By now I felt excitement, loneliness, sadness, love, kindness and connection. A lot to feel in less than an hour. But I guess this is the perfect reflection of this year. The diversity of being, and the different colors of existence.
This year I cried A LOT, I met with my inner demons, I saw my inner light shine so bright. In this year I felt so giving but also felt then need to be at the receiving end. I shared love so deeply but also received love like no other. I felt pain so deep and also laughed till tears came down my face.
I couldn’t hold my eyes shut in meditation but also meditated for twenty minutes like they were two minutes. I reached my top fitness level but also could not move from lower back pain. I ate healthy and on certain days not at all. I was highly motivated and on days getting up the couch felt like my Everest.
This year was everything and had everything in it. This year was my roller coaster. By the end of 2019 I said my theme for 2020 is surrender and surrender I have learned.
I learned that what is mine will come my way, I learned that no matter how hard I want something does not make it come sooner, and I learned no matter how much I resisted something it doesn’t make it end sooner. I learned to BE, I learned to let go and I learned to trust in the divine, in god, in my savior and my guide. I learned to SURRENDER like I have never surrendered before.
I come out of this year softer and stronger, vulnerable and powerful, grounded and excited, I come out of this year a truer version of myself, a version that feels “right”, a version that feels like home.
And here I am now in Kuwait international Airport on my way back home to visit my family, after a whole fucking year!! Wait, something came to me as I’m writing the word going back home, where is my home now? Because my apartment in Kuwait feels like home, being with Omar my husband feels like home, but also being with my family feels like home, being in the streets of Amman feels like home.
I guess home is something I hold in my heart now and I guess I am lucky enough to have more than one home. Wow! Never felt this before I have to tell you.
This year was the first time I spend eleven months in a row in Kuwait and this gave me stability, a sense of grounding and a feeling of belonging that I haven’t felt in the past seven years.
So back to the subject, I am now on my way back to one of my homes and I’m so excited I feel like I’m dreaming. Thank you 2020 for all that you taught me and for 2021 I hold the intention of self-trust, of living from the heart and following only the voice of my intuition.
2020 gave me clarity and in 2021 I plan to take this clarity and allow it to guide my way.
See you guys later, I got to go catch my plain!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Peace & Love,